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So, Ashton Kutcher is crazy now

December 30, 2010

You might not care about Ashton Kutcher’s views on most things but you might want to get his take on the upcoming apocalypse.

I’ve never been an Ashton Kutcher fan. He’s not a good actor, he’s not funny and – for a while – he was ubiquitous. To be honest, I’m surprised he’s still around. He’s the type of star who is popular for about a year then quickly fades away once his show gets cancelled and his movies bomb. Not so with Kutcher. For some ungodly reason, Ashton is still very popular. I don’t get it, America. I just don’t get it.

However, I won’t be complaining if Kutcher keeps giving interviews like this one. Speaking with Men’s Fitness, Ashton revealed the one reason he stays so fit: fear of the apocaylypse.

I’m listening.

Here’s Kutcher’s prediction for the devastating fall of humanity, which he predicts will happen in his lifetime:

“It won’t take very much, I’m telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle. People don’t have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems, so if there’s no electricity, nobody has maps.”

And here’s what’ll happen after that:

“And people are going to go, ‘That land’s not yours, prove that it’s yours,’ and the only thing you have to prove it’s yours is on an electric file. Then it’s like, ‘What’s the value of currency, and whose food is whose?’ People’s alarm systems at their homes will no longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity – what happens when all our modern conveniences fail? I’m going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don’t have to worry.”

But here’s my favorite part of the interview, where Kutcher talks about his experience last Christmas when his house lost power:

“It was 20 below zero. I got my guns out. We made a fire. We went to the grocery store, and the doors were open because they’re all electronic. People were rolling in and out, clearing out the shelves.”

Does this remind you of anyone?

Let me talk directly to Ashton here. Ashton, I’ve read my fair share of apocalyptic fiction. It’s safe to say I’m an experiment on the subject. I’m sorry to say that your plan will falter when the end of days really does befall us. First of all, you’ve got to get out of the big cities, they’ll be full of panicked citizens and/or zombies. Also, the guns aren’t a good idea. For one, you’ll probably end up shooting one of your step kids (and, no, not Rumer). Plus, guns will be coveted by the roving bands of marauders who flood the streets. It’ll make you moving targets. Sadly, my third point is the hardest to hear. You have to get rid of the kids. Sorry but it’s the truth! Trust me when I say they will only slow you down, just ask Viggo Mortensen.

While his plan is faulty it’s still very humorous and fun to read. I can only pray that this is the first of many ridiculous, paranoid interviews that Kutcher gives. Hopefully it’ll all culminate with Ashton training in the hills of Los Angeles with Spencer Pratt. Maybe they can grow matching beards.

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