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I wonder what George W. Bush is fucking up right now

June 5, 2010

Sometimes I think of people I don’t know and places I’ve never been. I think of Abraham Lincoln and the last thoughts he had before dying. I think of Europe in The Middle Ages as The Black Plague ravaged the countryside. I think of The Beatles moments before Ed Sullivan introduced them to America.


And sometimes, sometimes I wonder what George W. Bush is fucking up right now.

Make no mistake, even though George Bush is no longer our president, he is still doing what he does best: ruining things. Far, far away from The White House where he can do serious harm to America, Bush is probably lounging about at his new home, walking the dog, making plans with Laura and occasionally destroying things of indeterminate value.

Of course, Bush will never come forward and give us details about what he’s obliterated lately (he’s a private citizen now, after all). However, I’ve created a mock list of George Bush’s latest fuck-ups. For America.

MONDAY:

George sleeps in late then wakes up and enjoys a mid-morning breakfast with Laura. He reads a copy of The Wall Street Journal then heads into his office to work on his memoirs. When turning on his monitor, he accidentally knocks it over and it shatters on the hardwood below. A shard of glass shoots across the floor, under the closed door, and slices the maid on her left foot. An artery is cut and the maid collapses to the floor, now drenched in her blood. She cries for help and George comes to her. He slips on the bloodied ground and falls on his back, hitting his head and blacking out.

When he wakes up two hours later, his maid is dead. She was 62.


WEDNESDAY:


George W. Bush is at the local market, Pickin’s, buying supplies for an impromptu dinner he’s making for Laura and some friends from Dallas (The Bushes have adjusted rather well, thank you for asking). He buys $69.89 worth of food, pays with his credit card and leaves. When loading the groceries into his SUV, his shopping cart (the one with the faulty front-left wheel) aimlessly drifts away and into the parking lot. A passing Toyota stops to avoid hitting the cart. The vehicle behind the Toyota rear-ends it and shatters the nose of the driver, John Deats, a registered Republican. Deats, who recently had nasal surgery to fix a deviated septum, can’t breathe and an ambulance is called. Bush, embarrassed and shocked, comes to the aid of the injured man. He takes a few pictures with Deats’s kids and talks baseball while they wait for the paramedics.

All those in the parking lot would later agree that Bush was a nice man but all admitted they were uncomfortable about his affinity for giving shoulder rubs.


FRIDAY:

After much begging, the 43rd President of the United States agrees to go see Sex in The City 2 with his wife. As is required, secret service agents call the theater beforehand and notify them of The Bushes’ plans. The management reserves a back section of the theater for George and Laura. The Bushes purchase a bag of M&M’s, Twizzlers and two Diet Dr. Peppers before entering. Most people don’t notice the former first couple but those who do are cordial and don’t make too big a fuss.

George drinks half of his soda during the trailers (both Bushes agree that Killers looks “cute”) and really has to use the facilities halfway through the first act. He wanders out into the lobby and visits the restroom while the secret service agents wait outside. Walking back to his theater, he unknowingly steps in a puddle of popcorn grease.

When entering the theater, his greasy shoe slips on the cement floor and George goes tumbling through the aisle. He falls flat on his face at the foot of the stage. The audience gasps as Bush tries to get to his feet. But the already dirty floor provides a slick surface and George fails to stand correctly. His arms flail as he grasps wildly for stability. His secret service agents try to help him but he only drags them down. One of the agents accidentally grabs the screen and tears a massive hole in the lower right hand corner. Bush sprawls onto the front row as the screen limply sags to the floor. The audience is in hysterics as the former president finally regains his stance and composure. He chuckles and asks the front row, “What did I miss?”


Oh, George! What will next week bring? Uh oh, Laura wants to go buy new china!

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