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3 Reasons Why I Want to be The Pope

April 4, 2010

Man, The Pope. That guy goes hard, am I right?

If you haven’t been paying attention, The Pope (aka Joseph Ratzinger, aka hard mo’fo) has gotten himself into a minor jam. Apparently, the pontiff let some pretty gnarly sex crimes slide back in the day and that is looked down upon in the Catholic church. Only not really.

Anyway, all this talking about The Pope (hence forth referred to as “Pope talk”) got me thinking about the benefits of being the Holy See. Let’s be honest, there are definitely more pro’s than con’s. Pro’s: being the official go-to guy for God, having legions of followers and the power to direct an entire religion. Con’s: employing child rapists.

So, without further ado, three reasons why I want to be The Pope:


It was a big event when Joseph Ratzinger was selected as the successor to John Paul II. Millions watched on TV and in person as that black column of smoke wafted from The Vatican, indicating a new pope had been chosen.

Ratzinger himself was rather bland. Old, white, kinda creepy looking. Not being a Catholic, I had little interest in the selection. The only thing that sparked my curiosity was that fact that Ratzinger was able to change his name upon taking the title. That’s right, no longer was he Joseph Ratzinger, he was now Pope Benedict the XVI!

And that was that. He was no longer called or referred to as Ratzinger — by anybody. The entire world just went with it. “Pope Benedict the XVI? Sure, whatever, sounds good.” It was only after some investigating that I discovered all popes change their names, it’s like some sort of pope tradition or something. Being able to change my name to whatever I want is so appealing to me. I don’t know if I’d go with a traditional Benedict or John Paul but I can definitely see myself as a Pope Huffington Powers or something bad ass and tough like that. That sounds like the name of someone battling the devil.


If there’s one thing everyone loves about The Pope (I know, I could list HUNDREDS of things!) it’s his amazing outfits. There’s the one with the tall hat, the red dress-thing, the Gucci shoes, the bitchin’ scarves. And let us not forget the jewelry Benedict wears. This guy wears more chains and rings than an fiscally irresponsible rapper.

Just chillin'

In fact, it’s gotten to the point that people would be disappointed if The Pope wasn’t dressed to the nines. For a religion that doesn’t care for homosexuality, they sure do love their flamboyant men in dresses.

I think I’d take it a step further when if I were pope. I’d release the very first clothing line. I’d called it VC (named after Vatican City of course) and it would be fashionable but very luxurious man dresses. In all colors, in all sizes! It would the standard for all feminine-looking male clothing. See, it would be great because I’d be doing two honorable things: fighting for the cause of Catholicism and employing young children to make my clothing line. Way to go, Pope Brandon!


The Pope is the physical connection between us humans and our creator, the big G-O-D. As such, The Pope has been given authority by the man upstairs to do whatever the fuck he wants. The best part? He’ll never be held accountable for it.

The Pope has said some gnarly things about gays, about abortions, about people with AIDS. We don’t even have to mention the current mess he’s gotten himself into. However, Benedict isn’t sweating it because he’s got a rock solid defense: he’s The Pope.

You and I would be dragged to jail and publicly dehumanized if we tried the things Benedict allegedly did. But good ol’ Ratzinger is swearing he’ll be A-OK. It’s almost unfathomable to think someone would try and prosecute him. In fact, the only chance of him getting replaced would only come if he decided he was done. Like I said, the authority of law doesn’t affect The Pope. In many ways, he reminds me of a Robert De Niro character. Is that indefensible? Yes. But it’s also bad ass.

Okay, maybe not THAT De Niro character

Some days I just think about what life would be like if I were pope. I’d spend my time playing X Box while wearing a hat laced with thousands of ultra-rare, ultra-expensive diamonds. I’d bless some people, accept gifts on behalf of suffering nations and then ramble on about how condoms are the work of the devil. Yep, it’d be pretty great.

Now you can see why I’m so fascinated by this guy. Think of it this way: he has a secret identity, wears awesome outfits, lives in an outrageous mansion and doesn’t fear the laws of any nation.

Sweet Jesus, I think The Pope might be Batman.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 5, 2010 11:44 pm

    “Now you can see why I’m so fascinated by this guy. Think of it this way: he has a secret identity, wears awesome outfits, lives in an outrageous mansion and doesn’t fear the laws of any nation.

    Sweet Jesus, I think The Pope might be Batman.”


  2. April 22, 2010 11:41 pm

    Oh, Mr. Marcus. Instead of “Inbetween,” we should have done a webseries about you as the new pope. Your brother could play… well… your brother, always bringing girls around and having parties at the Vatican. He’d get into some big mess and you’d just shake your head in that big pope hat, smiling and wagging your finger, “Oh, Daniel. Will you ever listen?” Then you’d laugh with a bellow and crack open a Coors.

    Where was I?

    Oh, yeah. Great post.

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