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3 Things that Scare me More Than “The Crazies”

March 3, 2010

The Crazies

The re-make of The Crazies was released last weekend to the delight of many horror fanatics. I really enjoyed the original film, directed by George Romero and released in 1973. That being said, it was a cheap-looking movie, from the set to the direction to the actors (especially the actors). So, unlike some film purists, I thought a re-make was a great idea.

End result? It wasn’t bad. More action than horror, sure, but it held my attention and got my heart racing more than once. Plus, it’s got Timothy Olyphant. How can you go wrong with Olyphant?

Answer: You can't.

That being said, it didn’t really scare me. It startled me, it made me feel tense, but it didn’t get into my bones, it didn’t leave the theater with me. Great horror films visit you again and again, usually when you’re alone in the dark. That’s what fantastic horror does, it burrows into your consciousness and stays with you long after the movie ends. As fun as The Crazies was, I didn’t think about it much after it was over.

So what does scare me? I’m asked that often and the list is rather lengthy. Therefore, I’ve assembled a list of three — just three! — things that scare me without fail.

#1: Tall People

I used to have nightmares about tall, well-dressed people climbing into my bedroom at night. Their long limbs would get tangled together as they tried to squeeze through my tiny doorway. They were always backlit from the hallway light and I could never see their faces, which horrified me even more.

Also, I’m a short guy. 5’4″ on a good day. Needless to say, I don’t know much about being tall. But there’s something so spooky about really freakishly tall people, right? I know I’m not alone here. Their skinny legs, their gaunt features, their beady little eyes. They just creep me out. Even my favorite president of all time, Abraham Lincoln, spooks me a little bit. And as much as I love basketball, I’d probably piss my pants if Yao Ming ever approached me. Is my fear irrational, based on a childhood nightmare that was really silly? Yes, yes it is.

#2: Spiders

No, no, fuck spiders. Seriously.

#3: Security detectors

AGGGGGH!

It’s sad to say that security detectors (or, as they’re usually referred to, “metal detectors”) frighten me more than a bona-fide Hollywood film but that’s the truth garsh darn it.  I know no other tension like the one I feel as I walk through a security detector. I’m not a thief, I’ve never stolen anything in my life. But still, there is a deep, heart-stopping panic that grips me when I approach.

Is one the books in my backpack going to set off the alarm? I wonder. I bought this DVD but there’s still a chance that it’ll trigger the detector. That security guard standing near the exit isn’t making things easier. He’s giving me the eye, he’s sizing me up. Holy shit, he looks just like Ving Rhames! Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I steal, Mr. Security Guard. If the alarm does go off, I can explain!

OH MY GOD THE TENSION IS KILLING ME!

As you can tel, a trip to Borders is like a roller coaster ride for me.

It’s an irrational fear, like the other two before it. But that’s what most fears are, irrational and a bit unfounded. However, the things that frighten us as children usually frighten us as adults. It’s tough to shake phobias. Very few films are capable of taping into those legitimate, intangible emotions. Most times they just aim for startling and disturbing images. That’s fun, that’s fine, there’s a time and a place for everything.

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen a movie that’s actually scared me in a long, long, long time.

But Furry Vengeance probably will.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Mike Hansen permalink
    March 4, 2010 1:04 am

    Miriaco truly was freaky. He just kept coming back, no matter how many times we trapped him or killed him.

  2. March 4, 2010 5:51 pm

    The security detectors look like tampons.

    • Brandon permalink*
      March 4, 2010 8:03 pm

      My fear of security detectors probably has to do with my fear of women.

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