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Glenn Beck is Still A Fat, Angry, Crazy Person!

February 25, 2010

Originally posted at speakwithoutinterruption:


Things change a lot. Like the four seasons of the year, things come and go, rise and fall, sparkle and fade. We live in an uncertain world, where we lose things we hold dear without any warning. Luckily, there are some things that stay the same and will never, ever change.

Glenn Beck is one of those things. Weekday or weekend, winter or spring, night or day, Glenn Beck brings the crazy. Smoking hot and ready to serve. Beck has made paranoid, blabbering psycho talk an art. Pack it in, conservative pundits, Beck has got this. He’s putting others to shame with his take on the current administration and the world surrounding him. He never has a shortage of outrageous talking points and, luckily for us all, he never has a shortage of TV appearances to attend, guaranteeing moment after moment of non-stop hilarity.

Dateline: this morning. Beck appears on Fox & Friends. The issue? The successful capture of Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, Taliban commander and all around icky dude.

Yeah! Hell yeah! Shoot him in the head! Get ‘er done! Surely, you can follow Beck’s reasonable rationale. We must shoot Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar in the head — AND NOW PLEASE — or else our liberal commie leaders will…accidentally hire him as a teacher at an elementary school? I’ll admit that I don’t really understand Beck’s blubbering diatribe but I won’t let that stop me from enjoying it. Just watch it again, in slow motion if you can. Note the emotion in his eyes, the stern wagging of his finger gun as he repeats “Shoot him in the head!” There’s such fury and fire in those puffy eyes. When his several chins jiggle like jello, you can feel the resolution in his soul. This isn’t just an overpaid, unbalanced TV commentator, this is a freedom fighter, a soldier on the front lines for America.

That gives me an idea. Glenn Beck should enlist in the Army. Sure, he’s overage, overweight and probably just a little more sane than Private Pyle, but think of the morale booster Glenn Beck could be for our troops. Whenever they were feeling down in the dumps about the latest offensive, Beck would rally them together with a furious rant against Van Jones! He could remind them what they’re fighting for: freedom! Freedom of life, liberty and the ability to spew complete nonsense on national television. He could tell them to fight for the boys and girls back home, the people that count on them most. Their country is relying on them, Glenn Beck would remind our brave soldiers. Not only their country but their families, their friends, their dirty, Kenyan-born President WHO SHOULD BE OVERTHROWN AT ALL COSTS.

“Come on boys!” he’d shout. “Let’s show those dirty terrorists who they’re fighting against! Shoot ’em in the head! Shoot ’em ALL in the head!”

Brings a tear to my eye just to think of it.

We know Glenn Beck’s got it in him. The man is a patriot, a true devotee of freedom and American values. Sure he calls for the overthrow of government and suggests violence in almost every speech he gives, but he truly loves this country. He bleeds red, white and blue.

Some say Glenn Beck is an unhinged sociopath with illusions of grandeur. But I find comfort in his constant gibberish. Like I said, our world is in a state of fluid change. It’s hard to find things you can rely on. But me, I rely on Glenn Beck. I rely on his determination to speak his mind, his desire to be the loudest man on TV, his conspiracy theories and revelations.

Mostly though, I rely on his inanity.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. sharethisurlaboutglenbek permalink
    May 13, 2010 9:00 pm

    You may enjoy my blog, The Glenn Beck Review, especially on 5/14.

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