This fat blob you see above is Zombie, our cat. Zombie is a large mass of feline that does what she wants, when she wants. Mostly, she roams around our apartment meowing, eating food and licking my face when I try to sleep.

Last month, Zombie got irrationally upset at a chair we keep in our kitchen. I was lucky enough to catch some of the action on my phone.

Yeah, I still don’t get it.

You might not care about Ashton Kutcher’s views on most things but you might want to get his take on the upcoming apocalypse.

I’ve never been an Ashton Kutcher fan. He’s not a good actor, he’s not funny and – for a while – he was ubiquitous. To be honest, I’m surprised he’s still around. He’s the type of star who is popular for about a year then quickly fades away once his show gets cancelled and his movies bomb. Not so with Kutcher. For some ungodly reason, Ashton is still very popular. I don’t get it, America. I just don’t get it.

However, I won’t be complaining if Kutcher keeps giving interviews like this one. Speaking with Men’s Fitness, Ashton revealed the one reason he stays so fit: fear of the apocaylypse.

I’m listening.

Here’s Kutcher’s prediction for the devastating fall of humanity, which he predicts will happen in his lifetime:

“It won’t take very much, I’m telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle. People don’t have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems, so if there’s no electricity, nobody has maps.”

And here’s what’ll happen after that:

“And people are going to go, ‘That land’s not yours, prove that it’s yours,’ and the only thing you have to prove it’s yours is on an electric file. Then it’s like, ‘What’s the value of currency, and whose food is whose?’ People’s alarm systems at their homes will no longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity – what happens when all our modern conveniences fail? I’m going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don’t have to worry.”

But here’s my favorite part of the interview, where Kutcher talks about his experience last Christmas when his house lost power:

“It was 20 below zero. I got my guns out. We made a fire. We went to the grocery store, and the doors were open because they’re all electronic. People were rolling in and out, clearing out the shelves.”

Does this remind you of anyone?

Let me talk directly to Ashton here. Ashton, I’ve read my fair share of apocalyptic fiction. It’s safe to say I’m an experiment on the subject. I’m sorry to say that your plan will falter when the end of days really does befall us. First of all, you’ve got to get out of the big cities, they’ll be full of panicked citizens and/or zombies. Also, the guns aren’t a good idea. For one, you’ll probably end up shooting one of your step kids (and, no, not Rumer). Plus, guns will be coveted by the roving bands of marauders who flood the streets. It’ll make you moving targets. Sadly, my third point is the hardest to hear. You have to get rid of the kids. Sorry but it’s the truth! Trust me when I say they will only slow you down, just ask Viggo Mortensen.

While his plan is faulty it’s still very humorous and fun to read. I can only pray that this is the first of many ridiculous, paranoid interviews that Kutcher gives. Hopefully it’ll all culminate with Ashton training in the hills of Los Angeles with Spencer Pratt. Maybe they can grow matching beards.

After much thought, we here at Brandonmarcus.com have finally decided upon our selection for the 2010 Person of The Year. Are you ready for the results?

2010, like 2009 and 2008 before it, has been a trying time for many. A military overseas, an economy struggling to regain footing, a political climate fractured by greedy corporate swines, there’s a lot about the year that we’d rather forget.

But this time of year is also a reason to look back and celebrate the good in our nation. The people that stood above the fray, ventured forward and tried to make our country proud. That is why, after months of listing and re-listing, contemplation and deliberation, we’ve chosen our pick for 2010′s Person of The Year…

Brandon Marcus

In what can only be described as a banner year for him, Brandon Marcus achieved many goals while still looking forward to the future.

With his spirit of ingenuity and perseverance, Brandon Marcus has fit the profile of the Brandonmarcus.com Person of The Year. He’s a shining example for all of us during these difficult times.

Among his many highlights of 2010:

• May 18: Turned in two old games at Gamestop and received $20 off his copy of Red Dead Redemption.
• June 6: After a bad call during Game 2 of the NBA Finals, Brandon accidentally combined the words “fuck” and “heck” to create the popular catchphrase “What the huck?” (Also popular: “Are you hucking kidding me?”)
• July 11: On a red eye flight to New York, Brandon watched the first twenty minutes of Date Night before realizing it was dubbed in Spanish.
• July 15: During a train ride across New England, Brandon beat five levels of Plants vs. Zombies in only 30 minutes. He also found a working power outlet for his phone after searching for only three minutes.
• September 15: Brandon publicly endorsed John Kitzhaber for governor of Oregon. Kitzhaber would later go on to win the election.

These are only a few of the many triumphs for Brandon, which included his completion of the aforementioned Red Dead Redemption and an occasional trip to the gym. In one of his gym outings, Brandon ran a record 9.2 miles while sporadically laughing at an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Fellow gym members were impressed, one even gave him a polite head-nod.

Picture courtesy of Annie Leibovitz

In a year of spider squishings and waking up at 7:30 more than twice, the biggest challenge still must have been Brandon’s move across town (dubbed “The Big Move” by the mainstream press). When Brandon and his girlfriend decided they wanted to find a new apartment, they planned on staying in the Northwest part of town. However, after some searching, they found a good apartment in the east side. The move would be more considerable than originally planned. He inspired a nation when he went on record saying, “It’s kinda far away but it’s a hundred dollars cheaper and I’m pretty sure it has a laundry unit.” Americans rallied behind the couple as they commenced their move and cheered when they purchased a sofa that was 30% off at Target.

It was a year of difficult tasks and joyous accomplishments and Mr. Marcus has held a heroic pose throughout, never waning or  faltering. Many great things were said about him this year, such as: “Nicely done, Brandon” and “You can leave at 6:45 if you’d like” and “Sir, would you like your change?” and “Are you sure? You handed me a twenty.”

These last twelve months have been divisive for many reasons but all Americans can agree that Brandon Marcus has held his head high above it all.

What comes next for 2010′s Person of The Year? Many things, including a quest to watch every James Bond film in order and probably one or two haircuts. He’s also looking for a cheap Blu-Ray player if anyone has one. Regardless of where 2011 takes him, we can rest assured that he’ll make us all very proud.

Brandonmarcus.com is proud to present the 2010 Person of The Year Award to Brandon Marcus.

Your dog may be pretty cool and your dog may love you very, very much but can your dog climb a ladder? I don’t think so and that’s why this pup is the coolest. Look at him trotting around on the roof, chasing his ball and playing with the workers. That’s exactly what the homeowners are paying for!

Quick question though: how the hell does he get down?

For the love of all that is holy, please don’t go to this Carl’s Jr.

I don’t eat fast food a lot. I used to enjoy it often. Hell, I used to work at a fast food place (Burger King, thank you very much). It’s not that I don’t like fast food, of course I do. It’s just that I always feel sluggish and hideous after a meal. Something about the combination of soda, french fries and grilled cow weighs down my stomach and my soul.

I’ve been working in downtown Portland lately. A beautiful part of town, I’ve rather enjoyed my time stationed there. However, lunch can be tricky. You see, unlike some (smart people and my girlfriend) I don’t pack a lunch. Nope, I let the fates decide what I’ll consume when my hour break rolls around. Usually I just grab a bagel and a newspaper but sometimes I itch for something greasy and over-priced. Sometimes I yearn for fast food.

There’s a Carl’s Jr. located across from the mall I’m at. My co-worker told me about it. Well, not so much told me but warned me. “It’s…it’s something,” he said, rolling his eyes. He didn’t seem like a huge fan but I was really in the mood for french fries so I ventured over.

Sweet merciful Christ, you guys. I mean, seriously. I only have words so I can’t justly represent what I saw. In short, it reminded me of some dirty Paul Verhoeven vision. I must say the food was fine and clean but the store itself…my god the store.

Like this, only with milkshakes

I was greeted by a mob of overweight, peculiarly hairy individuals who were pushing to the counter. To my left were a group of tables, all occupied by a variety of terrifying individuals. One guy was talking to himself, an old woman was putting on pasty, blood-red lipstick. A group of shaky meth heads convened at another table, their few teeth crunching on chunks of ice.

To my right, an elderly woman was shaking an empty cup, persumably for change. I might not be remembering this clearly but I’m pretty sure she looked exactly like this:

I approached the counter. The woman who served me seemed polite enough.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah…um…can I have a, a small french — “

Behind me, someone tried the bathroom door, which was understandably locked. “Motherfucker!” he said.

“It’s jammed from the inside,” my served bellowed. “Someone’s coming out to fix it.” Then, back to me: “I’m sorry, hon, what did you want?”

“Small, small fry.”

The minute and half waiting for my parcel of food was, in a word, intense. I’ve never been to war but I assume the soldiers waiting to parachute into enemy territory feel a similar type of fear. I stood with my back against the wall and watched others pass me by.

“Yo man, you got a quarter?” said a bearded gentleman wet from head to toe. Keep in mind that it wasn’t raining outside.

“No, sorry,” I said as I gripped my iPhone and felt like an entitled prick.

Please hurry up, please hurry up, please hurry up, I thought. Were the fries even good enough to endure more time in this scene from TRAINING DAY? Were they worth my life and mental well-being?

The bickering between couples got louder, the man talking to himself became more irate, more people tried the busted bathroom door. All the while bug-eyed, jittery patrons with heads like Charlie Brown characters stared at me and wondered where I got that watch.

Finally, my number was called. I grabbed my sack of fries, made for the door then stopped to look back. I knew I’d remember this day, like a rookie cop remembers his first arrest or a doctor remembres his first OD victim.

Walking out into the fresh air, I decided I should stick with bagels.

Was it worth it? Here’s what I’ve learned about fast food: it’s never worth it.

So I’m moving. My girlfriend and I are packing up all our stuff and heading to the other side of town. Exciting times. As you’d expect, I am using this as an opportunity to be a smart ass.

Listen, I know I’m the worst. But, hey, I’m a busy man. For those who need a daily dose of Brandon, visit VeryAware.com, the site I write for constantly. Did you even know I reviewed 127 HOURS? Did you even see my new column?

In other news, things are going well. How about those elections, eh? How about that basketball? How about…oh who am I kidding, you just come here for funny videos and pictures. I can’t blame you for that.

In all honesty, I’ve got a lot going on right now, what with work, writing, possibly moving (not far, mind you). And the holidays are coming so we’ve got that. The holidays, you guys.

I will try to post here more often. Pinky promise. For now, enjoy this video that I’ve watched three days in a row. It’s pure hilarity.

Pure anteater.

No one knows what started the argument between this ferocious bear and the injured bison. Land dispute? Fighting over food? Cheating at poker? Whatever the reason, grand majesty followed.

Alex Wypyzinski (come again?) was in Yellowstone National Park when he stumbled upon this little tit-for-tat. Luckily for Wypyzinski he had his camera handy. Sadly, the tale has a somewhat downer ending. Who would have expected that?

[Thanks to HuffPo]

America’s sweetheart, George W. Bush, said that Kanye West’s public criticism of him after Hurricane Katrina (remember “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”? Hilarious! Comedy gold, Kanye!) was one of the most “disgusting” moments of his presidency. While out promoting his new work of fiction book Decision Points, the former commander-in-chief sat down with Matt Lauer where he had this to say about the rapper’s comments:

“That [means], ‘He’s a racist,’ [...] and I didn’t appreciate it then. I don’t appreciate it now. It’s one thing to say, ‘I don’t appreciate the way he’s handled his business.’ It’s another thing to say, ‘This man’s a racist.’ I resent it, it’s not true.”

I don’t want to tell George Bush how to do his job but is this really what you should be talking about? Is this truly one of the lowest moments of your time in office? I mean, seriously? Of all the crazy, zany trouble you got into during those eight years, this is the one that keeps you up at night? Not the torture in Iraq? Not the dead soldiers in Iraq? Not Iraq?

I know it hurts to be criticized but George Bush was criticized by practically everybody on this planet. You were the worst, George! Everyone was ragging on you! Of all those people, Kanye’s opinion is the one that matters most? I’ll let you in on a little secret, George: Kanye West is fucking insane. Have you read his Twitter account?

Maybe Bush is just bringing this up now because he knows Kanye has been prone to apologizing lately. West’s mouth got him into trouble not too long ago and he’s been very polite and subdued lately. Perhaps G.W. thinks Kanye will see this interview and decide to publicly recant his statements. Maybe then America will consider Bush’s terms in office a success. Because to George Bush, the only stain on his presidency was Kanye’s outburst. Things were fine aside from that!

Decision Points hits stores November 9th in both hardcover and pop-up edition.

Who loves Don Draper more than I do? No one (NO ONE, YOU UNDERSTAND?!). For MAD MEN fans like myself, this little video is a cute reminder of all the confounding things Don hears. I’d like to think this is all a coincidence but knowing Matthew Weiner, it’s probably some master plan to highlight the close-minded nature of Don Draper and the men of the 1960′s.

Still, it’s funny.